Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Feels Surreal

So there is so much to update. This past week I served in a northern community called Carmelita. This week was going to have a group of fifteen participants, and was supposed to be super chill-a real easy week. Well, the day before the trip began, my trip leader Laura became very ill. She contracted Dengue fever (transmitted through mosquitoes). I got pretty scared, and beyond that I was physically exhausted, mentally exhausted, and emotionally drained. Laura ended up flying home the day the trip was to start. That meant that rather than assistant trip leading...I got a lot more responsibility. I don't know if I've ever really been so scared or felt so inadequate in my whole life. So many times that day, driving around Belize City I wanted to scream, "GOD! I can't do this! I don't want to do this! Someone else, God! I can't do this! I'm scared!" At the end of the first day, God spoke to me clearly.

"Be anxious for nothing."

This is a direct command from God. I couldn't worry about things. I would do my best to lead, to plan, to serve, to build, to work, but this is not about me. It has never been about me. It won't ever be about me. This is about God. All things to His Glory. He called me to have faith. And there is NO ROOM FOR SELFISH PRIDE in our faith. I had to believe him for so many things.

And I still have to.

That week, we ended up painting a church inside and out, doing a children's program at a community center, and made some of the most beautiful friendships with the locals. This village was engaged in seeing people taken care of. In having healthy lifestyles, good infrastructure, and giving youth a change to discover things that they are passionate about. I am humbled to have been present for the week. I am humbled that God saw fit to provide for our every need. Our every need.

It feels so surreal that all of my trips have been completed. It doesn't actually feel like I go home soon. I feel sort of like I'll be here forever. But I won't. It's strange. I have seen some of the most beautiful places here in Belize. But what I've seen is more of who my God is. God is so faithful. He is so trustworthy. He is so mighty. I am called to be faithful--i.e. full of faith. FAITH that God will provide for my every need, for my every breath. I'm torn about leaving here...but excited to see what God is doing at home.

But God still has more to do in Belize. I drove through the poverty alleviation projects tonight. While the song "Kingdom Come" by Hillsong was on my ipod. As I drove through streets of overcrowded lean-to's suffocated in waste, I was singing, "May Your kindom come, and your will be done, as we serve Your heart, serve Your heart....Lord, we long for more, long for more..."

That's how I feel. I long to see God in His power again and again and displayed on the streets of Belize, St. Louis, wherever. Wherever there is brokenness, His Kingdom should come.

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